Thoughts Under Thoughts
by writingfanficlikeabus
Summary: Set after the Boiling Rock betrayal. Azula thinks one thing, and means the opposite.


_**(A/N This is probably a fic that I'll go back and edit some time in the future. Even now, it's different from the original; I've changed bits that I thought seemed ableist, because that's REALLY not the vibe I wanted to give off with this story. Regardless, there are still some bits that I'm not completely happy with. I've decided to post the story now, so that I can hopefully get feedback on various bits of it and hopefully improve on it later.)**_

 _ **Disclaimer: Avatar: The Last Airbender and associated characters are owned by Bryke**_

Why did you do it? Why did you betray me? I don't understand. You should have been **honoured** to fight alongside me. You should have been happy. _Why weren't you happy?_ You should have told me if you weren't. _Why didn't you tell me? Were you afraid?_ You should have **feared** me. _You should have cared enough to stay._

It's all Zuko's fault. _Is it all my fault?_ If he didn't exist, if he hadn't left the Fire Nation, then Mai wouldn't have betrayed me! **You** wouldn't have betrayed me! _Would you have left anyway?_ _Was I really that bad a friend?_ I expect you don't even know the consequences of your actions. Zuko or Mai probably tricked you into it. _Maybe you knew exactly what you were doing, and you really just hate me that much._

I suppose I should thank you. You made me realise that no-one is trustworthy. _You were the only person I trusted._ Not even my own mind, one of my greatest assets, is trustworthy now. _With you, I was teetering on the edge of what is known as sanity. But at least I hadn't fallen. Your betrayal_ _ **pushed**_ _me._ I want to go to you and hurt you. _If I visited you then maybe you could see how much pain you've caused me, and come back._

I should have never become so attached to you. It has only brought me pain. _Please. I need you. I need you to help me. I need you to take away the pain again._ But it would be a weakness to show it has affected me this much. _Maybe if I pretend I don't care, then the hurt will go away._

When I was younger, father used to tell me that it was better to manipulate a person than to care about them, because if you cared, then **both** of you would be hurt, rather than just them. _I need you to understand my motives, my reasons for controlling you._ I suppose he was right. After all, I'm sitting here thinking about this, and you're rotting away in a jail cell. _I didn't want him to be proved right. I especially didn't want_ _ **you**_ _to prove he was right._

So once again, I ask: why did you do it? I need an answer. Mai is understandable. She was in love, and people do ridiculous things when they're in love. _**I**_ _trusted_ _ **you**_ _, after all._ But you have no reason. I've searched for one, but cannot find any. _I've searched for one that means you care about me._ Were you in love with Zuko too? _Yet another thing he's taken from me_. Were you in love with **Mai**? _If you were in love with me, you wouldn't have done it. You could be in love with anyone except me. If it was me, I wouldn't be sat here faced with betrayal, and Mai would be dead. You would have_ _ **let**_ _her die._ Did you do it out of spite? _For now I will ignore the panic in your eyes as you stabbed me in the back, the fear in your voice as you spoke to Mai._ If you did, then you are an appalling friend. _Worse even than me_. But I already knew that, so spite it is then. _If I consider the possibility that you cared, my heart and mind might both shatter into a million pieces, the pain equivalent to the Fire Nation's most horrific torture._

Hate for you is boiling up inside of me. I _hate how, even now, you seem to have some kind of strange power over me. A power that makes me feel sorry when I hurt you, even if I won't ever admit it. A power that makes me desire your warmth, even though I know it is not proper for a princess. For anyone, maybe._ I never want to see you again! _I miss you. I want you back..._ I hate you!

 _I love you..._


End file.
